my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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