You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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