someone get that fucking seahorse.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Randomize
