dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
