When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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