I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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