i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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