Well douche your snatch and let's go!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
