Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
