I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
