if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
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