I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
