Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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