***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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