38 yer olds are good kisserssss
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Randomize
