So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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