My first STD was from a foam party
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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