wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
