it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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