Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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