if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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