I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
