Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
