im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I want to fling myself into the sun
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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