Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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