She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
