i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize