I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
