Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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