What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
