My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize