Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
