i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize