Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
