I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize