I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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