my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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