i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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