Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
