Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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