im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
what day is it and did you see me today?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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