Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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