so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
