I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
