i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
