someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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