1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
