I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
