I cockslap morals
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
