dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
