my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
