May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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