I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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