she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
