i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
