I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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