Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
did you get engaged???
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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