I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
