rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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