Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
