Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
