If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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